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I've come to realize that certain topics of conversation I find easier to have with people that I've just met versus people that I've known for a long time. I suspect that this stems from the fact that I've grown and changed since I met and started interacting with my long term friends. It's as if with my long term friends certain expectations were setup when the friendship was created and to change them now would be a big leap forward. More likely is that the image I want to project to my close friends is different from the one that I might project to someone that I may only see one or two times. Why those should be different is probably the crux of the issue.

I'm reminded of a quote from the His Holiness the Dalai Lama:

I don't think a person should have two sides-a private and a public side. There should be no gap, that is not honest.

If I can't be honest with those closest to me, can I ever really be honest with anyone. I've heard it claimed that that is part of the New England way-of-life, but I must admit it feels kind of daft. I'm reminded (and might have mentioned this before) of a conversation I had with the father of a friend of mine from Thailand. He was aghast at the fact that I only had rough ideas about the college aspirations of my friends. He could still tell me what each of his close friends had wanted to do and where they wanted to go. I don't think I was unique among my high school friends in that regard. It just never seemed to be something we talked about.

This is all something that should change, but I'm still searching for a way that I feel makes it right. I doubt that this forum is the best way, but it's a start.

Posted by Daniel Rinehart on January 6, 2006 8:03 PM |

Comments

I always find that trying to get around people's expectations of myself is very, very hard. I occasionally remember to make efforts *not* to keep people in the pigeonholes my brain has made for them. But obviously it's hard to do that on a general basis, because I *do* have expectations. The one time I try to be especially good about it is if someone is (directly or otherwise) *asking* me to do so. You've certainly done that at least one time that I distinctly remember (and to this day I *try* to be good about it...) On the more general note of not always knowing your friends or family as well as one thinks one should, it certainly does seem daft. There's a lot of causes at play here, and it's hardly universal. At the same time, it's not exceptional (though I strongly believe it to be a minority of people). One aspect which we unfortunately have in common. It's also very, very hard to change. I've tried. Much, much harder than I feel like I could even explain to someone who doesn't live this way. I often think believe that it shouldn't or needn't be so hard, but it still is every time I try to go against the grain of my life and relationships. In a way, it almost feels like alchoholism or depression (and I'm very much not trying to downplay those!): Non-alchoholics can't necessarily really understand what's so hard about "not drinking". I shouldn't trivialize how "easy" letting people in should be. If I choose to treat it as a problem for solving (which is a bad metaphor), I should at least take it seriously like the difficult issue it is. Also, I keep wanting to make comments on random places which are also weblog entries. I'm sure there could be good technology for doing this kind of thing, except that inter-server stuff is still young.

Posted by: John | January 9, 2006 12:19 AM